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“Everywhere at once”
August 7, 2003

Seems to me these days we’re juggling Barnum & Bailey style. But even I have to admit it’s all such exciting fun and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Funny how, when you are touring, at a certain point all you can think about is getting home. That becomes the goal; to GET HOME. When are we getting home? Soon. Are we there yet? Almost. You start to think like that. Except when you’re in Spain or Greece or Copenhagen, that is.

Those places play very loose with the rules. Not like England. If the sandwich comes with butter, you’re gettin’ butter. It doesn’t matter what you say to the person who’s making it. You don’t want butter, take it off. Where do you think you are, Beverly Hills? A women in York actually said that to me. And to me, it doesn’t matter WHERE I am because my MONEY is in my pocket and if I don’t want butter, why, in Cliff Richard’s name, can’t I have it with no butter?

After a while, little things like that start to drive you mad and the slightest infraction can be blown WAY out of proportion. Like Mr. Chapple knocking that martini in my face when he threw the pillow at me in Guilford to stop me from snoring. I say, live and let live.If you snore and I can’t take it I wear ear plugs. It’s that simple.

Has ANYONE ever been over to Rusty’s house? His house is a mess. I know. I lived there for 12 bloody years! My piano is still there with dust from 1989 still on it. In the piano bench is a WILD GOOSE calendar I got for my birthday back in ’91. I had to hide it from my THEN girlfriend, Melinda Katz (not her real name…I am changing it a bit due to her rising popularity and successful film career and to keep me from getting sued – her dad’s a lawyer), who forbade me from going to El Segundo’s BEST strip club and used to really make me feel bad when she’d find out. So I had to hide it from her and lie whenever I went there with my buddy, Denny Markle (real name…he’s nobody….sorry Denny)

All that stuff is still there. No attempt has been made to clean it up so I have decided to take matters into my own hands; QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GUY! I only needed to turn to my NEW FAVORITE TV show for the answer. Now, I’m not sure if y’all Brits get this brilliant show but it comes on in the USA on cable (BRAVO channel)and it is extremely entertaining.

Known as the ‘Fab Five’ they are an elite team of gay men dedicated to extolling the simple virtues of style, taste and class. Each week their mission is to transform a style-deficient and culture-deprived straight man from drab to fab in each of their respective categories: fashion, food & wine, interior design, grooming and culture. I think they could even do Rusty one fine job. They do a great job and this ain’t no Hollywood acting either. These guys are 100% GAY. I think my favorite is Carson, although Jai can be hilarious! Now that this show is a hit, the world will never be the same.

And say, speaking of Melinda, she just went to Dave Jenkins guitar shop yesterday (TRUTONE MUSIC) and sold him the GIBSON EPIPHONE acoustic I gave her for her birthday 10 years ago! How could you do that to me, Melinda? After all that I did for you! I guess it really is over…(Oops! we broke up 7 years ago…my bad…) Well, guitar or no guitar, I’ve said all along you are gonna win an Oscar and dammit, YOU WILL. And I will be able to say, ‘Told you so!’ You don’t even have to thank me in your acceptance speech. No, really, no thanks is needed. Just know I’ll be sitting there on my couch rooting for you and sipping Lauren Pierre. Unless of course QUEER EYE is on, in which case I may just have to tape it.