(NOTE: A couple of weeks ago, after my Arianna rant, a smart ass LOVE fan from Florida wrote me an e-mail explaining how ‘easy it is to be an armchair politician’ but was curious what i would do, were I to be Governor. So I put together 10 points that I personally think would be a good idea. If any of the candidates would like to use my 10-points-plan, by all means, go right ahead. Also, the views below are my own. My apologies to any Democrats or Republicans I may (or may not) offend. No apologies to the Reagan family.)

1. SPLIT SALES TAX WITH STATE EVENLY Right now, cities keep barely 20% of that 8.25% sales tax, with the rest being squandered away in Sacramento like Ben Afflec on a Saturday night at the Wild Goose. Once it’s split, I would enact a law allowing all ‘sub-cities’ surrounding Los Angeles to collect their own sales taxes. I think this would allow cities to work to solve their own problems and save your local politician those annoying luncheons with lobbyist up in Sac-Town.

2. REVERSE THE CAR TAX HIKE Yep, everybody’s talking about it for a good reason. It SUCKS. Tripling your car fees just because the Governor’s an idiot? Puh-leeeeze.

3. CHANGE THE WAY PARKING TICKETS ARE divVIED OUT These will be applied to your taxes as a PERCENTAGE. If you’re Shaq, this sucks. If you’re Juan from Montebello it ain’t too bad. To me, the problem is that parking tickets are really just taxes against people with LESS MONEY. How come no one sees it that way? Because you are programmed to feel inferior. Trust me.

If you make $10,000 a year and get 3 $55 parking tickets a year (totally feasible if you work, say, in Bev Hills or West Hollywood where parking is criminal), that’s about 1 1/2% of your GROSS income. If you have bills and a family and stuff, you’re pretty much screwed. If you’re The Terminator, that’s not even a drop in the bucket. That’s meter money. Obviously, JAUN is paying a higher tax than Arnold when it comes to traffic and parking tickets. Apply that 1 1/2% now to the Terminator and, whoops, he’s paying FIVE MILLION DOLLARS on that ticket. You wanna speed? Go right ahead. The budget will be paid off in no time.

4. BRING BACK THE MOVIES. Why did they leave anyway? Because it’s cheaper to make a movie in Canada, that’s why. Cut em a deal they can’t refuse but throw some catch 22’s in it to keep ’em honest (if that makes any sense) a) Hollywood gets a lower tax to film but must donate time, money and some sort of mentor program that focuses on younger students and introducing them to the wonders of film. Everyone has a story. It’s their town. Why is Hollywood so closed? How come they censor what stories you’ll see and hear? It’s time they paid the piper. And the state could use the income tax from all those slaves, I mean grips.

5. GRADE PARENTS We graded teachers and that didn’t work. We know what happened to the students when we graded them. How come everybody’s so dumb? Everybody’s passing the buck. I say the buck stops with the parent(s) and community. See, parents are lazy. They have kids and then they want YOU to take care of them so they can blame YOU when everything goes wrong. And I understand how difficult it is with a single parent.

My parents split up when I was 14 and my younger brother was 10. I know it’s tough, although we never really had it tough, i can sympathize. But I have SEEN enough to know that it’s very difficult. That’s why I have always felt that the communities in general are a failure. Birth control is easily accessible. So why are there so many problems? Because people are irresponsible. Hey, everyone is irresponsible to SOME extent. But not everyone pushes their kids on everyone else. This would save tax payers some good dosh as well.

When you grade parents you get an idea of who’s doing the job and who’s not doing the job. If the parents don’t care, how in the world can you expect the kids to care? And once you find out which parent(s) are having problems communicating and/or controlling their child’s behavior, this is where the community/church/family/neighborhood comes in. Hey, I don’t want your kid shooting my kid so, please, spend time with yours and in the meantime (as Governor) i will see to it that your problems are not ignored.

6. BLOW UP BOARD OF EDUCATION Please. How much dynamite would it take, anyway? Overblown salaries. People who could care less about your child’s education. Money wasters. The stuff horror movies are made of. If there was ONE honest person on the California Board of Education you’d think they would have slashed their wrists by now. Know what the #1 priority is in the LAUSD (L.A. Unified School District) is? ATTENDANCE. They will tell you “Graduation” but you and I both know that’s a load of bull. Federal dollars are determined (in the public school system) by attendance.

They want you in those seats, otherwise the money gets tight(er) and administrators get fired. Make no mistake; they are looking out for themselves. I would also get rid of most administrators and use the leftover salary to not only bump teachers pay up but also promote them as ‘quasi-administrators’, since they deal with the kids one-on-one. Also, I would change the ridiculous curriculum. It’s like 50 years old, outdated and uninspiring. Make learning fun again. Let the teachers teach, for crying out loud.

7. STOP SHOWING PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT TO LOS ANGELES Every time the San Fernando Valley tries to break free from L.A., the media assault scares the tar out of the voters, swaying them to vote against it. The city of LA gets a huge portion of its taxes from ‘middle-class heavy’ Valley residences; something like 58%. But as far as city services are concerned, the Valley only sees 28% in return. Huh? The city of Los Angeles uses the Valley like a Sugar Daddy.

8. INVESTIGATE THOROUGHLY the HEALTH, HOME & AUTO INSURANCE COMPANIES Several years ago, State Insurance Crony Quackenbush was cutting ‘Vegas style’ back room deals with insurance companies. And, although he resigned, there still have to be some a**holes left. Or how about this, when I slipped down the stairs at BB KINGS last November, I went to the emergency room the very next morning. They took 3 x-rays, gave me some aspirin and sent me on my way. Total time there? 45 min wait, 10 min with the doctor/x-ray. Total cost? $1,300 to BB KING’S workers comp insurance. Why so high? $1,300? WHO ARE WATCHING THESE PEOPLE? My team of exterminators would smoke out the bad guys, that’s for sure.

9. KEEP THE BARS OPEN TILL 4AM and SUBSIDIZE THE MTA FROM MIDNIGHT TILL 5AM Why close at 4am? I know a lot of people who get off work at midnight and want to spend a few hours relaxing. I know a lot of people who take cabs when they go drinking late. Many people do it. And the bars close at 4 in NYC. Works there, can work here. That’s 2 more hours of salary for workers who want to work late and more city and state taxes, since alcohol is already taxed. It would be free to ride the MTA (metro transit authority) from midnight till 5am. This is the responsible part of my bill.

10. REPEAL THE REAGAN SPONSORED TAX ON TIPS Initially enacted back in the mid-80’s as a way to collect on tips, which are hard to track, this has turned out to be what many said it would be: AN ALL OUT ASSAULT ON WORKING MOTHERS AND THE FAMILY IN GENERAL. That scoundrel, evil S.O.B., Ronald Reagan threw his political weight behind this legislation and it breezed through Congress. The problem is it’s a Federal tax. As Governor, I would REFUSE to give a cent of it back to the FEDS until they 1) paid Calif back for the Energy schtupping we got from Enron and the rest of Cheney’s pals and 2) agreed to repeal this disgusting, greedy tax by mid 2004. I can’t say enough how cold and heartless this is that you not only could tax someone who (at the time) was making $3.25 an hour, but taxed their tips as well! Most businesses split tips with everyone so you can imagine how much someone would bring home after a long day’s work. I mean, can you BE ANY MORE ANTI-FAMILY than that?

11. HEALTH CARE FOR EVERYONE LIVING AND WORKING IN CALIFORNIA Yep. Here’s how. ALL TRAFFIC AND PARKING TICKETS will go to Health Care.

12. EDUCATE PRISONERS Especially concentrate on violent, poorly educated prisoners. I would pass a bill that shaved (at least) 25% of an inmates time served for achieving an Associate Arts degree or higher. The degree would be mandatory in some cases and I would give Judges a broad range of control. Bring the ACLU on, i’d dare ’em to challenge me. This would not only be right for the prisoner, but for the community and society in general. More jail time does nothing but make my life and your life less safe when these people are released. Why not spend the taxpayers money wisely?

Mike Randle