Before we go into our Political material, I think now is a good time to remind everyone that Mary-Kate and Ashley will be of legal age (18 in the USA) in 435 days, 2 hours, 32 minutes and 9 seconds. Also, don’t miss their new DVD, AMGICAL MYSTERY MALL, about how the Twins spend the WHOLE day at the MALL OF AMERICA in Minneapolis! Unfortunately, this amazing full feature won’t be available except on their website so get those credit cards out! (www.marykateashley.com)

Baghdad – For decades, Iraqi citizens have been living lives of intense subjugation, under the vicious regime of Saddam Hussein. If, as now seems imminent, the U.S. and a coalition of willing partners (BRITAIN/SPAIN) goes to war with Iraq, that life of tyranny will be over for thousands of Iraqis. Because they will be dead.

President Bush, in his state of the union address (A.K.A. his “TIME TO KICK SOME ASS” speech), said that the day Saddam falls would be a day of liberation for Iraqis. And indeed, as the bombs fall, thousands of Iraqis will never have to worry about Saddam Hussein again. There may be a brief transition wherein their scattered limbs and entrails are of some concern, but as the blood stops flowing to their brains, these lucky Iraqis will finally attain freedom from everything.

“I so look forward to being blown to kingdom come,” said Baghdad shop owner Helmid Ariz, “I’ve got friends who are looking forward to being refugees and camping out and such, but, since I have to keep my shop going, here in downtown Baghdad, I really hit the jackpot. Freedom here I come!”

Said Hiram Awad, a math teacher, “What greater tyranny is there than life itself? When America attacks, you’ll see me dancing in the streets of Baghdad. Well, maybe not dancing, but my twisted corpse will be bouncing around with all the other flying rubble. My arms and legs flopping around might look like dancing, in a macabre sort of way.”

Awad was less certain about the opportunities for freedom should he survive a U.S. invasion. “Democracy? When are they planning on holding elections? Finally, the Shiites will get some voice in government? I guess anything will be better than being ruled by some quasi-military leader from the Baaths. I mean, they don’t even represent most Iraqis.”

When it was explained that most likely a U.S. general would be leading a fractious Iraq for some years to come, Awad became more philosophical. “Oh, well, I don’t need to worry about that. I’ll probably be dead. Free at last!”

(with apologies to Dan Kilian at Broken Newz!)

Mike Randle