Ok, I got an e-mail from a guy-let’s call him “Fred”-asking me for advice, or so I thought. But what he really wanted (I think) was for me to basically tell his best friend how much he likes her and how he wants to hook up. Well, my first reaction was to tell him this ain’t no advice column and, besides, what makes him think I know anything about women? See, he want me to print his delima because, according to Fred, she reads THE DIARY. Hmmm, I thought, that’s weird…why don’t you just tell her you like her. It’s more complicated than just saying it, he assured me. So, below is his question and my answer follows. By the way, he specifically ASKED me to print this out. Please, DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME!

“Dear Mike, my name is “Fred” I went to see you guys in (deleted) with my best friend, (deleted), who actually got me into Arthur Lee’s music and later even into those Baby lemonade CDs. The problem is this, she’s been broken up with her “X” now for 4 months, yet she can’t stop talking about him, ever. See, at the show, he was there and came with a different girl and (deleted) just kept looking at them and didn’t even get to see the show that much, which is terrible. I am telling you this becasue I want her to know that I not only care about her, but I have been falling for her for almost a year; I think about her constantly and I want her to know that I care about her very much. Unfortunately, she’s hung up on (also deleted), a guy who doesn’t even deserve the time of day from someone like her. She and I have been friends for almost 5 years and we are very close. But for some reason, I can’t seem to tell her these things. Plus, I feel kind of weird when she talks about (also deleted). Should I risk ruining our friendship or should I just “take the bull by the horns”? any advice is better than nothing.”

-FRED-

Dear Fred, first off, take ANYTHING I SAY with a grain of salt because, Like president Bush, I sometimes am a comedian. But I’ll be as helpful as I possibly can. Your delima is pretty common. She sounds like she’s prety hung up on that dude at the moment. Think of you and her as tandem jumpers on a 10,000 ft. peak. Now imagine you both wearing parachutes. Now imagine hers working and yours, well, NOT working. That’s pretty much what you can expect from this situation…I mean, I’d LOVED to be proven wrong. But I doubt it will happen. And since you asked me to print this, you’re kinda fucked, because he may read it too. But I admire your balls, Fred and, who knows, she may as well.

If I were you, I wouldn’t want to be in the middle of this. As a matter of fact, if I were you I ‘d request a train ticket away from this. Maybe the best thing to do would be to think about how important your friendship is and then determine if it’s worth “screwing around with.” Besides, if you got closer to her you might not like what you find. And that goes both ways. But I’m just a guy so what do I know. If she got you into Arthur Lee’s music, she obviously has good musical tastes. You have to remember about the “rebound” thing. I think that’s when someone get’s with someone else to sort of “forget” about another person but then they wind up getting back together with the old lover and the “rebound” person is shit-outta-luck. Fred, love is rough. I mean, you really want to be sitting by the phone hoping she’ll call you or wondering and worrying if she’s with Casanova? No way. You want to chill with your buddies and watch the game or something like that.

Call me conservative, but I’d resist the urge at this point and let her get over homeboy. The other way of doing it is to flat out tell her what you feel AND what you want. You’d be surprised how few guys tell the person they like what they want. Letting her know what you WANT tells her your’re not a wimp and that might be enough to pry her from loverboy. But who knows. Don’t leave yourself vulnerable and ALWAYS maintain your integrity. I’ve seen the sweetest, nicest people in the world rip someone else’s heart out and make ’em eat it in a New York minute. So, don’t be afraid, don’t be intimidated, always be prepared for a surpise or two and never, EVER let ’em see you sweat.

Well, that’s the best I could do. If anyone out there has insight into this kinda situation, Fred asked that you e-mail me and that I should print them, which makes me think he’s playing a trick on me. But he swore he wasn’t. I mean, to go through such a round-about way to tell someone you like them is a tad bit wacky to me. But what do I know? I just play guitar…

Mike Randle