First, it was the 2000 elections. then there was enron. then 9/11 stopped and changed everything. then we invaded iraq and got saddam’s two boys good and plenty. now america – heck, the WORLD – are being subject to yet another travesty. another disaster. another debacle. another proud moment gone astray. one more ray of hope rained on and run into the drains of history. that’s right, as you and i bow our heads in sad disgust, J-LO and Ben Afflect are calling it quits. that’s right. QUITS.

the most talked about couple since thelma and louise are gonna ‘go their own way’, as lindsay buckingham would say. This couldn’t come at a worse time for me. see, i’m in the process of writing (along with our ensemble violinist, Paula) the sequel to GIGLI. now, i don’t know what the hell to do with this damn script. i mean, without J-LO and B-FLECK, the story doesn’t fly. so i am screwed and i blame it all on J-LO.

See J-LO, i know you were tightening the screws on ol Ben and, well, he ain’t that kinda guy. I mean, he knows what it’s like to lose, being a Red Sox fan n’ all, but purposely throwing it all down the drain with a former ‘Fly Girl’ just never seemed like his thing. Boston meets Brooklyn? I DON’T THINK SO! I mean, Ben hangs with jason lee (who i JUST sat next to at a Sushi bar the other day…HA!), kevin smith and jason mehews. J-LO hangs (or used to) with straight gangsta thugs. That doesn’t bode well at the “Green Monster.” Now i dug J-LO in the story of that Tejanos singer…that was great. But J-LO and Ben? NO WAY. Doesn’t work.

Ben likes to blow $100,000 on weekends at the HARD ROCK HOTEL in vegas. people scream about this being irresponsible and wasteful. these ‘people’ have never been to the HARD ROCK in vegas. trust me. you see how the girls by the pool dress? you kiddin me? THE POPE WOULD LOSE some serious cash in that place. So i’m of the opinion that Ben just had a bad weekend. and he’s supposed to stay away from the strip clubs in OMAHA of all places!!!! what IS there to do in Omaha besides line dance? let the man have some fun J-LO!

i tried to warn you. and now he’s gone. all because you wanted a pre-nupt. all because you wanted ridiculous clauses in your pre-nupt as well. and many people don’t even know what they are, outside of California (even the Brummy Brat e-mailed me saying she had no concept of what a prenuptial agreement was!) so, in summation, i wish you both the best in your preferrred directions. but know that i am pissed about GIGLI 2 not being made and i’m pissed that you two couldn’t keep it together just for 1 more year. but hey, nobody’s perfect, huh?

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All the best,

Mike Randle