“Hej pa er Svenska, valkommen till Los Angeles!”
May 10, 2003
Well, my Swedish translation book finally arrived from www.half.com so now I must make good on the promise I made to Ketil in Athens that I would learn Swedish if he would improve his English. Now, the Swedes arrive here in a little under 3 weeks and I know what some of them are thinking; where are the best strip clubs? I know I know, that’s what everyone asks their first time out to the city of angels. So I have compiled a list for the Swedes, bless ’em. Depending on your taste, the city holds a variety of options. Since they arrive Wednesday, I suggest Amateur Nite at the CLASSIC LADY OF OZ. Not only does it have a complimentary buffet (after 10pm), the lap dances are free from 8pm to 10pm and I have $5 coupons from the LA WEEKLY so, you guys are in business. Located in the wonderful North Hollywood city of Van Nuys, this club is also known for it’s amazing Lasagne.
SHOWGIRLS, in N. Hollywood (off Coldwater Canyon) is famous for it’s slogan,”1,000 pretty girls and 3 ugly ones.” And you guys could not have picked a better time, as it will be FREEDOM FIGHTERS WEEK while you are here. There are giving free 1-year passes to all military personnel. Bring those name tags. And don’t let em think you’re French. BARE ELEGANCE is one of LA’s upscale “Gentlemen’s club” so don’t even THINK of walking in unless you’re prepared to drop at least $500. This is located by the airport but if you find it a little too much, simply walk 3 blocks to the WILD GOOSE. My friend, Ryan, SWEARS their Linguine is better than his mothers, OK? And it’s free. Doesn’t get much better than that. To compete with the Goose, bare Elegance just started their “$1 Steak and Fries” deals on Mondays and Saturdays. Times are tight and everyone’s watching their pennies.
THE BODY SHOP, on The Sunset Strip, is walking distance from me. This place really rakes in the dough and boasts of having famous porn stars in on a regular basis. But with $8 beers and $14 shots, the only thing missing from this picture is a 9mm and a ski mask. They also claim to have “healthy food”, whatever that means. And supposedly, they have been the number 1 club in LA the last three years. I had a friend, Scott, who was in there a couple of months ago. He got sloppy drunk and got one of those sob stories from the “hooker with the heart of gold” and BAM, he was $450 lighter when he got home. Oh, by the way, BODY SHOP also takes checks. In Beverly Hills they have the STAR STRIP. This is a 15 minute walk from my house and there’s a good Mexican resteraunt next door as well. This place ALWAYS seems to be open and, like i mentioned before, the strippers go for meals at NORM’s around 4am. Lots of them. I’ve heard that the bouncers are kind of mean and you have to wear a tie to get in. Well, that’s no fun, right? You wanna have fun.
So, I suggest you head to TULIP’S, which is on Sunset, but WAY east Hollywood. Since this place is 100% nude, by law you can’t consume alcohol on the premises. And admission is free. So, how do they make their money? There’s a TWO DRINK MINIMUM and each drink (cola/juice/power shake) costs you $8. So that’s $16 right there. But these dancers might be the most , ahem, creative in all of southern cal. Now, if the Swedes wanna get buck wild “out there”, i would suggest they trek it on over to the city of Gardena, about 3 miles south of LAX. Gambling is legal in Gardena, by the way. And the only reason to come to gardena (besides getting your car fixed) is STARZ, where they somehow have nude dancing and cocktails, which is supposed to be against California law. But i somehow feel there’s some gang action involved here (but you didn’t hear it from me, ok?) but i wouldn’t worry about it; STARZ has 6-big screen TVs, it’s free to get in (before 6pm) and they salute our troops. The downside to STARZ is that most of the dancers have criminal records so hang on to those wallets. The pride of Downtown, THE PLAY PEN, can brag that they will have none other than SHAYLA LEVEAUX (she starred in the female version of “Shaving Ry Ann’s Privates”) dancing on wed (again, the night those Swedes arrive) and the PLAY PEN now has FIVE v.i.p. rooms to go with the 3 extra stages. Located within walking distance of the STAPLE CENTER, you guys “can catch a playoff game and then blow off some steam at the PLAY PEN” as the ad suggests. Vad tycker du om Los Angeles nu?????
The HOLLYWOOD CABARET is a little to “Broadway” for my tastes. You get the feeling everyone is auditioning for Cats. Located in the prime real estate of Hollywood and Vine (an area that used to be one of the scummiest places in LA but now resembles Disneyland), The HOLLYWOOD CABARET has a lot to offer than just dancing if you consider the peep shows, private dance rooms, book store and movie theatre. This is the same place local activist (and Reverend) Brenton Adams (remember, about 3 years ago?) got busted walking out of one late wed nite (he told his wife he was going to “save some sinners.” Atta boy, Rev. The Reverend even used his wife’s credit card. Nice goin’, Einstein. Now, if you move on over to the east hollywood hills (where Madonna and Beck used to live) in Los Feliz, you have CHEETAH’s, which boasts of having “the world’s lovliest girls.” This place is kind of like BARBARELLA gone wild in New Orleans (which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.) I like CHEETAH’s cause it has pool tables, cheap drinks and a big screen TV. What more do you need?
Since we’re moving east, i figure, what the heck; let’s REALLY go east, like CITY OF INDUSTRY east. And that’s where you’ll find IMPERIAL SHOWGIRLS, not to be mistaken for the SHOWGIRLS in Coldwater Canyon. If you’re willing to drive this far out you won’t be disappointed; IMPERIAL SHOWGIRLS has all the goods you’d expect in a (giggle) Gentlemen’s Club. The brag about having 2 for 1 black out dances but i haven’t a clue what those are. They also say they have a “No Ladies Drink Hassle” policy. What’s that? With free admission fro 6:30pm and half off after that, IMPERIAL SHOWGIRLS know they really have to make it worth it for you to leave the Sunset Strip or the LAX clubs. Where most places are 21 and over, IMPERIAL SHOWGIRLS is a mere 18 and over. They have pasta specials, drink specials, free parking, shuttle rides, accept checks, credit cards, have a designated driver program AND they thank out Freedom Fighting Troops. IMPERIAL SHOWGIRLS have everything except landing strip for private planes (whups! i think i just gave them an idea!) So, my Swedish compradres, I got you covered on the entertainment side of things here in Los Angeles. Just let me know if you need any help. Next Diary, I’ll suss out my favorite local eateries so you too can enjoy the culinary adventures we Angelenos undertake on a daily basis. Until then, keep reaching for the stars! Adjo!