“This is a song called ‘The history of [Arthur Lee with Love]’ But it’s not just a list of things that we’ve done in the past But it’s also a chronicling. of our rise. to POWER!

“We ride with kings on mighty steeds Across the devil’s plain We’ve walked with Jesus and His cross He did not die in vain.. NO!

“[Mike]’s fingers be silver [Arthur]’s voice then be gold But less you think we’re vain We know it’s open mic night We don’t care! [Arthur Lee with Love]. we reign!”

— Lyrics slightly altered, with apologies to the mighty Tenacious D

Hey you punks. Bartlet Bear here, nursing a hangover after a 9 a.m. Bloody Mary’s at Yankee Doodle’s in Santa Monica, still despondent after today’s disastrous Michigan State-Michigan game, where the mighty and brilliant Spartans lost to those pretentious “We couldn’t get into Yale so we settled for a safety school in Ann Arbor” Wolverines. (Yeah, you Wolverines. offended by that last statement? Well, Spartan Bartlet says: BRING IT ON!) Four freakin’ errors on the Spartans’ part. but Bartlet here forgives ya, Spartans, because we’re still goin’ to the Bowl!

So until the Spartans defend their honor against the Buckeyes next Saturday, Bartlet here has a few minutes to finish his diary entries for all three of you who read the previous entries and are clamoring for more.

But before reading my entry, make sure you read Randle’s latest rant dated Nov. 1st… eloquent and pragmatic as always, my Guitar God! Given that Bartlet’s ho, Paula, writes for FOX (not for the news, though, thank goodness), she’s a little worried that they might try to sue her, too, especially if they’ve read Randle’s rant! So read this diary entry before The Freedom Man deletes it or before O’Reilly pays a visit to Paula’s backpack to hunt and destroy Bartlet Bear here…

SUNDAY OCTOBER 19, 2003 PHILADELPHIA

Things start out promising at 10 a.m., as Paula, Ana, Heather, and Julie take a walk to the local PRISON. Bartlet here envisions a really cool catfight in the courtyard among these four ladies, oh YEAH BABY.

But to my horror, they decide against entering the historic site and getting into a nice ole catfight. Instead, Heather remarks how delightfully educational it would be to go on a guided prison tour. GUIDED PRISON TOUR?! Then they decide to forgo the prison entirely and eat breakfast at an art museum diner. They then return to the hotel and find Dan. Together, they head towards the Philadelphia Art Museum. Both fountains there (and the one in downtown Philly) are dyed bright pink for the AIDS charity walkathon, which Bartlet wholly approves of. (Come on, I ain’t THAT much of a curmudgeon. It’s a good cause. I would’ve even participated, except that I fell asleep in Paula’s backpack. Why?)

Because the girls and Dan decided it would be “fun” to spend an afternoon in the museum for culture. YAWN. They take an hour to run up and down the stupid museum stairs and take photos of themselves, imitating that scene from “Rocky.” Then Paula, Heather, and Dan spend TWO HOURS in the museum itself, looking at 18th and 19th century European art (stuff by these guys called Van Gogh and Monet) and some weird contemporary art (including two legs sticking out of a sink). Paula insisted on playing some stupid game where they would guess what the modern artist’s intention was before reading the placard descriptions to see if their interpretation was “correct.” Freakin’ GEEKS. Get me outta here.

The only scandalous thing to happen was when Paula spotted some shiny golden statue and squealed to Dan, “Oh look at that shiny golden statue!” and raced towards it, only to discover to her mortification that it was a shiny golden statue of a giant PENIS. (That girl is so UPTIGHT! Lighten up, girl! Bartlet here has no idea why he hangs around with her.)

(PS. Where were the other guys during this fine afternoon? Either asleep or getting their own food, go read Randle’s excerpts for any details. Bartlet here spent all his time WITH THE LADIES.!)

Finally, Paula jogged back to the hotel and everyone got dressed for the big show at the Trocadero. Lots of photos were taken in the lobby of the Stringettes in their slinky dresses and smoky eye makeup. Carrie got all Matrix/Trinity in her sexy mini black dress, Julie rocked out in this kickass green and red-cherried vintage number, Ana wore her sexy low-cut black top and pant getup, Paula had on this shiny lacy tanktop and black skirt, and Heather..

Ah, Heather. Her dress pretty much deserves its own diary entry. Purple silk brocade material, exotic, and pretty much left NOTHING to the imagination. We’re talking she made J.Lo’s infamous dress at the Grammys look like a nun’s habit.

They all did their soundcheck, then got these vouchers for dinner, but were so late in getting dinner that they basically ordered sushi to go and then ate their sushi in five minutes flat. Paula had three friends visit – Diana, Barry, and Chris – and got them to backstage. They had a blast.

The show itself ROCKED THE HOUSE. As always, the Baby Lemonade guys – Randle, Rusty, Chap, and Daddyo – played with energy and passion, and Arthur Lee was in happy spirits. So was the audience, especially several guys who kept screaming for either “CELLO GIRL” or “VIOLIN GIRL” (although they didn’t realize Heather plays viola). One guy, claiming his name was “brucethelover.com” demanded Randle toss Ana off the balcony.

“Backstage at the Trocadero after Philly show, from L to R: Dan (w/ Heineken), Carrie, Heather (w/ twins), Mike (peaking), Mr. Lee, Daddyo, Ana, Chapple & Probyn)”

Everyone (i.e. the entire Love band/ensemble) piled into Ana and Paula’s hotel room after returning from the show around 1 a.m. Mike and Paula tried looking up brucethelover.com on her Powerbook G4, but the post “SERVER COULD NOT BE FOUND” came up instead. Oh well. They’re now thinking of buying that name as their own domain.!

The cheap beer and cheap wine flowed freely while everyone piled on the beds and gossiped and chatted about this n that. So Bartlet here was happy that these kids at least like to stay up late and drink, but everyone is either married or in some serious commitment so the post-show hijinks were fairly PG-13. AUGH! There were no groupies for Bartlet Bear!!!! (Typical conversations: “Where are you originally from?” “Walnut/Connecticut/Northern California/Argentina/Texas etc..” “How many brothers and sisters do you have?” These kids are so freakin’ POLITE and NICE! Where’s the Courtney Love temper tantrums? The Keith Moon-destroying-hotel-furniture chaos? The hook-ups? No. these guys and gals spend the night getting to know each other better through intelligent conversations, like they were becoming FRIENDS! Dammit, I knew I should have gone on tour with Guns ‘N Roses instead.)

Then Randle and Ana took off for WaWa’s (popular East Coast 24-7 convenience/deli store) and came back with some of the most disgusting yet delicious junk food and steak sandwiches that were immediately chowed down by everyone.

By 3 a.m., the party let up. A smaller contingent – Paula, Chapple, Dan, and Julie – headed for the rooftop because Paula wanted to take photos of downtown Philly from the roof. Of course, she had no idea how to work her digital and none of the pictures of the city skyline actually came out. Then everyone went to sleep, and I snuck out of Paula’s backpack and headed for the downstairs pub for a shot of whiskey. Except the bartender refused to serve me, said something about teddy bears not being allowed without a human chaperone in the bar. Goddammit.

NEXT: The trip to D.C., Carrie’s jogging route saves Love, show at the Birchmere, the Econolodge Ladies of the Night.

Mike Randle