Apparently, some Americans have taken serious offense that the French have threaten to Veto a possible U.N. declaration allowing the USA to go into Iraq, kick some ass and get the hell out of dodge before it gets too hot in that desert over there. Even America politicians have been seen on TV insulting French citizens, it’s government and now even a boycott of imported French products are set to be put into action. I think we should take it a step further and I have come up with a few items that Americans should boycott, to really make the French feel the crunch.

French Horns. Sure, it’s brass with a mellow tone, flaring bell and has three valves. But it’s also got the word FRENCH in it! So off it goes. No one in the Forever Changes Ensemble plays French Horn so they wil not be denied a working Visa for the USA tour.

French Canadians. Are they French or are they Canadian? Make up your mind. We don’t want to have to boycott Canadian bacon as well.

French Fries. It will be tough but Americans, if we’re gonna stick this out and see it through, will have to commit to putting down the fries. Mc Donald’s can maybe substitute fries with yams or something?

French Bread. It’s way too long, too hard and…wait…let me re-word that (red face embarrassment)…ok…it’s tough to eat…you need really strong teeth, right? besides, we have white bread here. It has no nutritional value whatsoever but so what.

French Toast: I know it’s delicious and you’ll have a heck of a time avoiding it but even the French toast has gotta go. I mean, we have to show these French we mean business.

French Dressing. Sometimes it looks red and sometimes it looks orange. What’s up with that? They pass this off as an exotic, creamy, european salad dressing, you know, something that goes well with your white wine and fish. Listen up; it ain’t nothing but mayo and ketchup, ok?

French Kissing. All tongue play between American lovers will cease in our concerted effort to rid the world of terrorist and show our national solidarity by refusing to allow ourselves to enjoy the pleasures of this OBVIOUSLY European form of kissing.

French Pastries. I don’t care HOW much you love the preserved fruit in the middle and the whipped cream; this boycott is bigger than the both of us.

See France, we’re gonna do what we’re gonna do REGARDLESS what you Frenchies say about it. I just WISH you’d at least PRETEND to go along with our plans and stop being so contrary all the time. Just follow our lead, ok? We know you guys got your little cute European Union over there…and your Euro is kicking the dollar’s ass..we know…we know, OK? But keep in mind, we are STILL the USA and WE MAKE THE RULES, got it? So France, you better watch out and stop threatening that Veto and let us get on with our Iraq business. Because you never know WHERE those bombs may fall if we miss.

Mike Randle