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Mike Randle


“This just in: Whole Jackson Family friggin’ whackos”
March 11, 2003

Before I begin my Wacko rant, I just thought I’d remind some of you guys out there that the Olsen Twins (Ashley and Mary-Kate…you know, from FULL HOUSE!) are turning 18 in 460 days, 1 hour, 22 minutes and 11 seconds….(no 8 seconds, sorry!) I will occasionally revise this number as we close in on the Olsen girls’ “Big 18.” The Olsen meter is on.

The other night, I’d watching Larry King and guess who’s the guest? None other than La Toya Jackson. You remember La Toya? You know, the one with ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, WITHOUT QUESTION, NO TALENT WHATSOEVER TO SPEAK OF? Right, THAT La Toya Jackson. Well, ‘ol Larry was doing his usual thing, tossing softballs to her while she was insisting she was “doing so much better, feeling positive and not recognizing any negativity” while the Qualudes were kicking in.

She went on to blame her former manager (and x-husband), Jack Gordon, of treating her Spector-style which included locking her in rooms and hitting her with bottles to make her say “crazy stuff” like “Michael’s weird” and that her father (Joe) raped her. Oh yeah, Jack also made her do the psychic network gig. And, at one point in the show, a fan called up and asked if she’d learned anything valuable from the psychic experience. La Toya went on to explain how, “the experience of helping so many people changed my life and touched me in a positive way. But Jack ruined all that in the way he managed my career.” What she meant to say was that she was primed to take all those suckers’ money except her greedy husband got to the loot first.

Then things went to another wacko level when her father called into the show. I was thinking to myself, “Was I being set up?” She said hi to dad and then said, “Aren’t I doing great? Aren’t I so much more positive now that Jack is gone?” Joe answered in the positive, adding that Jack had controlled her and, ruined her career and made her say lies to the press. I was thinking, what career was there to ruin? Then they rolled footage of a Mrs. Jackson with Joe and the family. Also, La Toya had held a press conference to claim her brother was a pedophile back in ’98 and that her father beat and raped her. You guess it, Jack Gordon was behind it all. So, La Toya, Michael’s not a Pedo-Wack? No way, says the un talented Jackson, Michael is a GREAT father. What about the story Jack Gordon told the NY POST, that Michael and his family practiced a bizarre ritual in which they sacrificed a live monkey? Thank God a Jehovah ‘s Witness called in to question the source.

You could even see Larry King scratching his head, wondering what the heck he got himself into. Especially when La Toya said Jack made her do that Playboy spread back in the early ’90s but the best part to me was when she talked about her new record that SHE wrote and produced and how she was sussing out the RIGHT label and distributor. When asked who the distributor was, she answered,”Oh, we have lots!” And to make this charade that much more silly, the phone calls coming in were from England, Sweden, Brazil, Zaire, Saudi Arabia, Canada, Australia and Japan. Now, how ALL these people could be awake at the same time to watch La Toya Jackson on Larry King is beyond me. I COULD BARELY STAY AWAKE and it was only 9:30pm!

And at each commercial break, they played videos and music from her awful career. But I actually felt sorry for the loopy scank, to be honest; she was 100% clue less, obviously on some sort off uppers and had spent a fortune on her face (she’s close to 50 but could have passed for 30 easily), not to mention the way she kept trying to show her right breast the whole show, literally pulling down her bra strap. I’d had enough so I turned to FOX NEWS so I could watch Bill O’Reilly encourage Americans to toss out their French wine as a way of protesting France’s right to veto the (proposed) 2nd U.N. resolution (keep in mind, your democracy is only a democracy when WE say so, otherwise it’s an “ungrateful obstacle”) And to that I say, to each and every Diary reader, whether you be in the USA or abroad; if you feel like you want to make a statement to the French by getting rid of you wine (preferable Merlot), simply mail your bottle to me, Mike Randle, and I will properly dispose of it in a very patriotic way. Simply e-mail me and I will give you my address. Why go another day feeling un-patriotic? Don’t let anyone question your patriotism. Send that bottle today.

Mike Randle


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