Hi. My name is Michael and I live with two cats. Their names are Albert and Oakley. Albert is a fat, greedy male cat that looks like a dark, charcoal-gray-coloured lump of wood. I don’t know what Oakley is. Oakley hides a lot and then, out of nowhere, Oakley tries to warm up to you or even communicate with you. Even though Oakley hides most of the time and Albert (the lazy bum) is ALWAYS out and about, Oakley is the one that will actually try to convey to you certain important things in his/her life. Such as: litterbox issues, food and/or water. Albert is simply too slow to utilize these skills that Oakley holds so dear. I don’t particularly like these cats. Actually, i REALLY don’t like these cats. If i woke up tomorrow and they were gone, i’d be very happy. If it were a monday (monday being the day they’d be gone), i’d be happy that same day, monday. I wouldn’t/couldn’t wait till tuesday or any other day because these cats – albert and oakley – are freeloading felines. There are people who like (or even love…yuk) cats and all of them would admit that cats are freeloading, good for nothing bums. Sh*t, the cats know it. Trust me, they know it. So i sit here and have to interact with someone i don’t even like. Even worse, they shed and worse yet, they make the whole house smell like CAT. And that is a very very foul smell and i hate that smell. And If you haven’t guessed it, I hate cats. ‘Well, Mike, what do you MEAN when you say you hate cats?’ Well (name here), I mean that, were they to leave…and STAYED left, I would be a happier and healthier fella. Most people I know are allergic to cats. Now, shouldn’t that be the first and obvious sign to let you know that maybe (like Pidgeons or Sharks) Cats don’t belong around people? Our faces swell up, our eyes itch and we can’t breathe, all due to these little felines who aren’t even worthy of being called a Rodent. As a matter of fact, i happen to know that Rodents specifically ask that they not be compared to cats, THAT’S how much cats are hated in the animal kingdom. So it’s not just me. Now, say what you will about me but i think I can back this one up, about these stupid cats. I’ve watched them and, as far as I can tell, all they do is eat, sh*t, drink water and chase after imaginary mice. oh, and they SLEEP all day long. And shed. and stink cause, well, cats stink don’t they? they smell like, um, cats i suppose. I hate cats. I. Hate. Cats. IHATECATS. www.ihatecats.com, 1-800-ihatecats, IH8CATS. whether it’s a website, an 800 number, vanity places or even a t-shirt that says MOM AND DAD WENT TO BAKERSFIELD AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY “I HATE CATS” TEE SHIRT, man, i f*cking hate cats. HATE THOSE LITTLE BUGGERS. hate em hate em hate em hate em hate em hate em hate em hate em. If you like em I don’t know what you’re thinking. Most people I know with cats? they HATE EM! Know how you can tell? cause they treat the cats like vermin. the cats stay home and the owners go off and do their thing. A dog needs to be walked. Dogs have real emotions that the average person can gage w/o having to read the dog’s mind. Dogs have manners. Dogs express love and affection. cat’s are phony. cat’s PRETEND to like someone but in reality they are looking for an all-day sucker to rub that disgusting fur onto. They are selfish and creepy, where as Dogs are truly nice. You say to a dog, “Ok Boy, go sit in the corner and chill until the game is over”, and i tell ya, that dog is gonna be there until you say otherwise. Cats? DON’T MAKE ME LAUGH! Not these lazy, good for nothing hobos over here. no “thank you” and affection. Just, ‘gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme. ‘ And that, my friend, is why I hate cats.

Mike Randle