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Mike Randle


No Love Lost For This Geezer
August 23, 2005

If you’re anything like me you just the seasons by Courtney Love arrests. Take for instance last week. She was brought into the barrister for ‘violating the rules of her drug treatment’, whatever that means. But more importantly, it also meant that we only had 2 more weeks till Fall begins, which coincidently is the day before the UK’s (sans Scotland) Late Summer Holiday. Courtney knows how important these kinds of nature-like things are and how busy most of us are. We don’t have time to party at Sky Bar till 4am and then puke out front of Mel’s Diner and then punch some woman in the jaw. She knows that and has it covered. We can sleep well knowing Courtney’s got the late-night scene wrapped up in one tight little ball. Come to think of it, last time she was busted it was the Summer Solstice.

But the other day Hannah informed me of something I still can’t quite swallow; that she’s dating British genius actor/ comedian, Steve Coogan. Not only that, appearently she’s gone and got herself preggers as well with England’s favorite goofball. I couldn’t get my head round that pairing and tried my best, along with Hannah, to put it together and make some sense out of it. I had to take several breaks, as this was doing my head in. And poor Steve, I thought. If he’s gotten Courtney Love knocked up he’s in a right pickle. Send him the rope and let him find his own tree. But then I got to thinking, maybe I’m being too negative so I tried to come to some sort of picture of how, just maybe, it might work out. I thought about their differences to see if it would really be a problem. So here goes:

Courtney has fake boobs, a nose job, and (admittingly) is a complete bitch.
Steve wears make-up to look like a middle-age geezer and makes everyone laugh.
Conclusion: MISMATCH

Courtney gets drunk and high a lot and starts fights and gets arrested.
Steve got divorced by his wife for doing coke with strippers and the ensuing boff-fest.
Conclusion: MATCH

Courtney went to an MTV party and saw Madonna getting interviewed, screamed at her, threw her shoes at her, and then practically passed out on the floor in front of Madonna and the interviewer, on her back, legs up and spread out, possibly sans knickers.
Steve once did coke for 2 days straight, telling his wife he went ‘fishing.’
Conclusion: MATCH

Courtney has been arrested so many times, L.A. courts have alerted her that she’s heading to the slammer for a year if she screws up once more.
Steve made that horrible movie with Jackie Chan about a balloon or something.
Conclusion: MATCH

Courtney, if you believe Vanity Fair, smoked heroin when she was pregnant with her now 11-year-old daughter, Frances.
Steve Coogan’s balloon movie is out on DVD.
Conclusion: MATCH

Courtney needs, craves, and demands attention.
Steve’s balloon movie has bonus features.
Conclusion: MATCH

So, I guess I was wrong! Now all they have to do is name the baby, which could be tough if they plan to have a double last name. And if they do, PLEASE don’t name the baby “Ida”…

all the best,

Mike Randle


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