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Mike Randle


Getin’ Over On The Man
March 19, 2006

I got out of Jury Duty Thursday, which was awesome. I just kept asking to see superior officers until I got THEE Judge. I kicked and screamed and cried and moaned and she was a sweetie and we found a loophole and that was it; I was outta there.

Traffic was a bitch so I didn’t bothered to get back on the 10 Fwy and instead drove down Venice Blvd. So I was downtown and then going through Pico Rivera and then through lower Fairfax (like South Carthay) until I was in Culver City, to which I stopped at Rally Burgers and got a Cheese Burger. But the Cheeseburger was only a buck. With cheese it was $1.40! Wow, nearly a 50% mark-up. Next time I figured to bring my own cheese.

The Lakers lost another close one and I don’t know why but my younger brother, AJ, seems to all of a sudden be a Clipper fan. This guy has lived in Inglewood – HOME TO THE LAKERS – since 1991 and now, all of a sudden, he’s a Clipper fan. Gimme a break. Kobe can’t carry the team by himself but if you think I’m switching sides you’re crazy. As much as I love the Angels they’ll never be the Dodgers in my book. Only one Dodgers and only one Dodger Dog. Of when you add it all up, tix+Dogs+Beer+parking= a King’s ransom, which is still a discount compared to Hannah shopping for shoes if you think about it.

And I don’t know if you saw the Sopranos but it was incredible. And even though most people suspected they would eventually try to kill Tony Soprano off, who would have thunk that it would be the first episode and who would have thunk senile ‘Unko June-yah’? Well, Tony ain’t dead – last Sunday’s closer had him dying with 911 dialed. So we can expect him in the hospital with the hoodlums at his side, secretly vying for head of the family. So the next obvious question is…..WHO TAKES TONY’S PLACE? pOSSIBLE cANDIDATES:

Uncle Junior
Upside: One of the most respected and revered Thugs in Jersey. Brother to Tony Soprano’s father. Lifetime in Mafia, loved by most everyone
Downside: Senile as heck and crazy as a fox. Gets lost going to the Loo.

Upside: Tony’s top earner, this guy is liked by even Phil from Johnny Sack’s NY family. Vito is funny, a Yankee fan and also just lost a lot of weight. He even mentioned that he might run the family one day “should something – God forbid – happen to Tony.”
Downside: Vito’s not as smart as he thinks he is sometimes and also has a secret; he’s a cheeky shirt lifter. But in true ‘Broke back’ Style he could be running the family against the odds. Also, if Vito WAS made head of the family the first person he’d wack is Meadow Soprano’s husband, Finn, who saw Vito giving a cop a BJ before work one morning at the Esplanade Construction site. Finn has wisely kept his pie hole shut but you know how they do it in Jersey…

Upside: Tony’s MOST trusted friend and Consigliere, ‘Sil’ not only has the brains to run the family but also has the guts. Just ask Adrienne. When they found out she was ratting them out to the FBI, Silvio put her in the Jersey version of the Witness Protection Plan; 3 bullets and a shovel. Sil is so cool that sometimes you wonder if he even cares. It gives him the edge over the enemy, which Tony no doubt appreciates. He’s my bet to take over.
Downside: None.

Upside: Tony’s blood relative, so obviously the next in line, according to conventional wisdom. ‘Chrissy’ takes care of business and even takes a bullet for the team every now and again. Although they often disagree he and Tony love and trust one another.
Downside: An aspiring screenwriter, he’s also not the brightest lightbulb in Jersey not to mention an on-again/ off-again Junkie.He’s also got a short fuse and would shoot Phil from NY first and foremost, before immediately taking out the competition. His former Fiancee, Adrienne, nearly took the whole family down with her yapping to the Feds. When he told Tony (after she got wacked by Sil) “Tone, I loved that girl,” Tony damn nead beat him to a pulp.

Carmella Soprano
Upside: Jersey’s most expensive Booty call, Carmella knows money and how to spend it. She’d give the whole Mafia Extreme Makeovers. She also looked into Tony finances and took a keen interest. And look, don’t gimme that jive about her being squeamish about her husband being a murderer; Tony bought her a Porsche and she dang near fainted. And if you don’t think she is capable of Murder think back to those times Anthony Jr. stayed out all night. SHe nearly killed him.
Downside: The boys would never even let her through the from door of the Bada Bing, let alone see the books. They know she’d divorce Tony on his death bed and make off with the Dosh. And I wouldn’t blame her.

Anthony Jr.
Upside: Tony’s namesake. Once through a Keg party and made $300 all by himself
Downside: Tony makes $300 crossing the street. “AJ” would have to do a lot better just to put gas in Chris’ car.

Bobby Bacala
Upside: Married to Janice Soprano, Tony’s sister.
Downside: Married to Janice Soprano. Bobby is so ‘whipped’ it’s not even funny.

Janice Soprano
Upside: None
Downside: Everything. Janice is totally psycho. Bobby would be wise to remember Janice killed her last boyfriend (Richie) and Tony and Chris had to cut his body up and dump it in the River. Tony added later, “How many of your boyfriends I gotta cut up and dump in the river, already?”

Pauly Walnuts
Upside: Mostly trustworthy and a code of ethics thug, Pauly doesn’t do anything halfway. He’d kill an old lady if he knew she had some money stashed somewhere. Actually, he DID kill an old lady for her money. Oh, and he gave Tony his ‘taste.’ Atta boy.
Downside: He tried to defect to Johnny Sack’s side in Season 3 and besides, he’s kinda weird isn’t he? He’s another ‘shoot first, ask questions later’ kinda guy.

Upside: Favio is good-looking, from Italy and can be ruthless. Also in love with Carmella. They came oh-so-close to boffing in season 3 but Favio wisely split back to Italy. Tony decided not to put a hit out on him and let sleeping dogs lie. With Tony out of the picture and Carmella running the show, Favio could step in and rule with an iron fist and he’d do a great job no doubt.
Downside: Christopher and Pauly would have him at the bottom of the lake by supper.

So, those are the characters…who do YOU think is going to run the family while Tony’s on death’s door?

Mike Randle


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