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Mike Randle


Martha Stewart Aint Got Nothing On The Milmans
March 16, 2006

Well, I work for a company that sells cool, odd, and vintage stuff…musical instruments but also super rad retro things like ‘high-end’ pinball and arcade games. That’s right; the Diary is in Sales Management. It’s the most fun I’ve had in years. Don’t get me wrong, playing music and touring are great. I am just really enjoying this.

But this morning was something else. I left my house around 9 am and traffic on the Santa Monica Freeway was diabolical! So, I exited on Pico and took that (with more stupid traffic) to Crescent Heights. And I learned that there are many really irate and text-messaging bozos driving on Pico on their way to Century City. No wonder Jacko has a hide out there; it’s a selfish Oasis for Shoppers. I cast a spell on them…

On the way, while on Pico, I passed Fantasy island. And there’s a funny (or NOT so funny depending on which of us you ask) story here. See, near my b/day last year hannah and me were cruisin around in LA in my oldsmobile (before I crashed it) and then i pulled up to F.I. I thought I was slick and cool (see Hannah is really way relaxed and very UNuptight but of course, being a guy i try to see how far i can go…like a puppy…) so i pull up to F.I. and say, “Hey, let’s get some lunch here. they have great Ceasar Salad.” She’s like, “Mike, this is a strip club!”

But see, it was (i think) a topless bar. and i was only foolin (i think) but then, Hannah said hey, it’s your b/day. let’s go back. I’m like, “nah…sweets, I was only foolin” and she’s like, “look, I was just taken by surprise…but it’s ok, let’s go in…”

Now, see; that’s what gets a man. When your woman says, “Oh, go ahead!” You have no reason or purpose to rebel.( it’s like Howard Stern; he bought all his critics! Now there’s no one left to criticize him! – except me, if this is true criticism?) Hannah had me in a spot and i couldn’t even remember what i was even stopping for. A woman can do that to a man, give him too much clarity. See, it IS better to give them the card and send them shopping…

I remember when my credit card got stolen when we were on tour in Australia…once the case was settled I saw how much the crooks tried to spend….wow, WHAT CHARLATANS! hannah and her mum would put the bloke to shame. (As a matter of fact, if i gave my credit card to a master thief and he went ballistic, it would be an absolute discount compared to the potential damage done by a Leigh and Hannah Milman shopping spree.)…….

Someone wrote to ask if I was an allan mallamud fan. YES! Notes on a scorecard was the blueprint for the DIARIES! Good eye! And for the record, i am a TJ Simers reader, though i read him maybe twice a month, but his writing style is really ALLAN’s! (just more annoying).

I actually wrote TJ an email a few years back when the Rams were in the Superbowl. i don’t remember what happened but i think i made an Arse of myself. Oh well. The difference between me and him is he’s a pest and i’m an opt. Oh, and I think i spelled Allan’s name wrong. Sorry Allan. Bless you, brother. You will always rule.

So, now that i’m selling expensive cool things to Celebs it’s become fun to chat with them and chew the fat about what’s buggin them, you know , crawling up their bums. I sense no one is listening and so i lend an ear and well it can be kinda interesting. Posh Spice dropped a King’s Ransom one day and had her mum pay for it. One of our regulars is the ever-s-cool “Zack”, from the Fox tv show BONES. “Zack’s” real name is Eric Milligan. Eric’s a swell fellow and when he shops he knows what he wants.

And he knows i got decent poker skills ( minus the poker dosh) and so i am invited to his Bev Hills poker parter saturday. I let him know my Texas limit is $20. After that I’, serving drinks. So i’ll keep yahz posted on the Poker tournement. yes, it’s a tourney of sorts….

I got the Dodgers to go all the way this year…. (yay!)

I predict the USA will conquer Canada. Twice.

I predict the next BIG THING will be SEXY WELLIES. Yep. with global warming we’ll need galoshes like nobody’s biz….

I predict Democrats will declare they’ve found the female “G-Spot”, with Congressional investigations to follow. The Republicans will stonewall and even Hilary Clinton will express doubt, in an obvious and shameless attempt to move towards the center (which, i presume, is the point), while women all over the world will continue to shop while men all over the world continue to worry whether or not their team won

I hope to be here to document it all. while shopping with Hannah.

Mike Randle


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